So many changes...

Its been a long a time since Ive done this...there have been so many changes in my life.. To the point that I probably need to retitle this blog. As Im not technically a mother anymore.  And there will be no more "Haha Mommy" moments.
It was the hardest decision Ive ever had to make in my life. But my kids are happy and have a stable life..and that is the most important thing to me. As Ive never had that growing up.  As far as still being in their lives, they are better without me. I have way to much emotional baggage.. I love my kids, but Im not the mother that they need.
Im treading on a dark line right now.. I can feel it coming..but Im trying to push it away.. Im trying to push the clouds away. I guess thats why I came to this blog again. I need to get it all out somehow.
I have no words for what I feel right now. Its really hard to describe.
If I cant describe it, then why the hell am I writing.. I have no idea. I just felt the need.

The major problem, is that I really dont understand why the dark cloud has come. Im happy with my life. I miss my family, sure. I really do, but besides that..my life is good and I can not complain. Ive got a good job, great friends..an amazing boyfriend..but still..something just feels "off". Something is coming.. I can feel it.

But then on the flip side..am I bringing it upon myself by putting so much thought into the feeling? Am I trying to look to hard to find something that isnt right. Am I trying to set up myself..to make myself fail in whatever way possible?

I do take prescription depression medication, I went a few days without taking it.. I dont know if thats the reason.. it doesnt feel like it. Im not really depressed, just feel a little lost I guess.

Could be that Ive left myself wide open to someone.. and it scares the shit out of me.. and now Im self doubting that I should not have done it. Not in the way that I should NOT have these feelings..because the feelings are real.. I think I just need to learn to keep somethings to myself. I have no protection. And maybe Im trying to build a small wall again to have something protect me.

It scares me that for once, I have something so beautiful that I never thought that I would have. And Im afraid, so very afraid that its all going to be ripped away from me. Because of me. Because I can be too intense with my feelings..

None of this is really helping..just making my mind go even faster.. So I guess I should just end this here..

So, goodbye "HaHa Mommy" it was good, so very good while it lasted...

Going Camping!

About to leave for a camping trip tomorrow.. with the kiddos and my best friend.. I cant wait.. we are going to the beach this year! I havent seen the ocean in YEARS! And B and J have never seen it.. Plus it will be so great to spend the 4 days with them.. I miss them so much working straight weekends. Lets hope I take pictures? lol I will via my phone.. I do have a real camera.. but it doesnt work like I want it too.. everything always looks blurry -_-
I think thats pretty much all I got right now.. Boomer is curled up beside me..and his purring is lulling me to sleep.
<3 night night

I do love this little blog

Im not on it as much as I should be.. I know.. I tend to be forgetful.... I have so many pictures to add.. but my phone is a butthead and doesnt like to upload pics that often..lol

This is my favorite time of year. I love Autumn. I love seeing all the colors. I love the cooler weather.. Its a busy time with birthdays and school activities.. but its great.

L is in 6th grade.. middle school.. wow.. time sure does fly.. She is doing so well.. I love the person she is becoming..she is strong, but yet still sensitive.. She has a great sense of humor.. and so incredibly smart. She is playing the clarinet in the school band.. and is doing extremely well.. Im glad that she is in the band.. that was my greatest times in school was the band and chorus classes and trips.

B is in kindergarten.. her teachers LOVE her.. and she loves school.. She is one smart cookie let me yell ya! She is reading and writing. And she soaks up everything she is taught. She is still just as independent.. as she has always been.. but she has a sweet side to her as well.

J is in a program called Head Start. So this is the first time he has been gone all day long. It took awhile..but now he enjoys it and doesnt cry when I drop him off. Its sad being without my little man during the day though.. I guess its taken Mommy longer to adjust to it.. He is a sweet child. Always looking out for everyone else. Has tons of friends in class.. and is silly! He loves making people laugh.

Lets see, as for me? Im busy keeping up with them.. working part time on the weekends.. looking for a full time job.. and keeping my fingers crossed to start school in the spring.

Looking forward to our camping trip next to the beach..the kids are looking forward to it as well. I will be nice to spend some real time with them.. Something Ive been missing with working on the weekends.

-Autumn and happy children-
Kelly

Society can eat it..

Ok, I have never claimed to be the best mom in the world. I am not expecting my mother of the year award to be arriving in the mail anytime soon. And I accept critism from my older family members. But from other mothers off the street? I mean really..
Now, Im more of a "Roseanne" type of mom. Im a smart ass, I tend to yell and I dont cater to my childrens every single need. I teach them to do for themselves. I teach them to laugh at themselves when things get tough. I teach them to be strong and not to worry about what others think. I teach them right and wrong and the golden rule.
I do not schedule them within an inch of their lives. I do not coddle them on their every whine. My kids are very familar with the saying "suck it up cupcake".
Now, that may sound like Im a bitch of a mother.. but there is ALOT of laughter in my house. And there is alot of love. My kids know that I love them more then anything. And I know that they love me. And I do try to do everything in my power to make them happy. I want them to have a better childhood then I did. And for the most part, I think they are.
So, for some "uppity stick up her ass mom" to come at me and tell me that my kids will not amount to anything because Im not letting them live up to their potential by having them schedule with all these activites is completly asinine.. And it pisses me off to no end. I feel like the kids that have helicopter parents will not be able to function out in the real world on their own.. For they can not make decisions for themselves, nor use their imagination. And as far as thinking outside the box...forget.
Im sick of society telling me how to raise my kids. Im sick of society telling me that because Im going through a divorce I should acting differently then I am. Im sick of society as a whole.
I know that being different affects my kids. I know that their friends moms thinks Im some crazy lunatic..and for that I am sorry it if affects them. But this is me.. I choose what  I want to do with my life and my kids life..if you dont like..then well, youre free to walk away.
This is why I dont have a lot of "mom" friends. Because I cant stand the competition between moms and how the children are raised and developing.
So yeah, anyways, I vented.. lol This shit pisses me off. But I am calm in the fact, that I know that my children will walk out my door when the time comes, knowing how the REAL world works..and be able to survive in it.
Lets see if the stepford wives kids can....

What doesnt kill us, makes us stronger?

     Havent updated this in a long time. I know. Its horrible. A lot of things have gone on since my last blog. Some great, and some well, not so great. I wish that I had my pictures uploaded to show some of the great times that kids and I have had. Like camping for the first time. That was an experience. Thankfully my best friend took us as she knows basically all there is to know about camping. My kids and I loved it, and we plan on going again in the fall.
     Im feeling a little, well I dont know how to describe it. Its not really sad, maybe thoughtful? I wish that I could write down everything in here. But Im afraid people would actually read it I suppose.
     Ive been told lately that there is something behind my eyes. Like a great pain that I choose not to share. And my thoughts are, why share it? Its better locked away. I wish that I could lock it away to the point that I dont even know that its there.
     As much as I hate it, I see the world differently now. I use to find the beauty, and I still can, but I know that it doesnt last. That really nothing last anymore. Which should make one more appreciative to have it at that time. But when you know that it will go away, its hard to keep it close. You start to push it away. Knowing that if you can keep it at arms length, the pain wont be as harsh when it does leave.
     When I started this blog, I wanted it to be about the fun, happy times that the kids and I have. I stated that it wouldnt be a divorce or a man hater blog. I still stick with that. I dont hate all men. But I suppose I am bitter. And Im still angry. Its been almost a year since I took the kids and walked out the door. Im still finding it hard to not look back.
    I consider myself damaged. Pieces of me gone forever. Yes, I still laugh, I still joke around. I still act really stupid at times just to make others laugh. On the outside I act as everything is fine. On the inside? Well, thats a whole other story.
   Honestly, I dont know how to describe it. How do I put into words the feelings and  thoughts that go through my head. The reasons behind far away looks that I get when I think no one is looking. How tired I actually am. Not the sleepy tired, the tired of not allowing myself to be who my emotions want me to be.   I know that Im strong. I know everything that Ive learned this past year has only made me stronger. But damnit, I want some time where I dont have to be strong anymore. But that is not an option.
   So many demands, my life is not mine. And I know that by being a mother, that is a given. And I wouldnt trade my children for anything in this world or out of it. But so many other people demanding things. Things that I have to find deep down inside of me. Demands that I sometimes think I cant fill. But what choice do I have? I have to fill them all, somehow, someway.
      So, as the saying goes. "What doesnt kills us, makes us stronger" ... but how strong am I expected to be? Should really be the question. And for that, there is no answer..........

Finally!! An Update! :) (and things you'd NEVER thought would come out of your mouth)

Ello everyone!!! :) Well to the people who actually read this! lol  I know that it has been a long time since Ive updated. Life has thrown me some hellish curve balls lately and some I hit out of the park, others I struck out. But there is a new inning and its getting better :)

Anyways, lets see... updates.. L, B and J are doing well. J has lost his first tooth.. So the tooth fairy came and gave him $5 for his first tooth :).
L got all B's on her report card... School year is almost over.. x_x.

J hoola hooping :)

Lets see, not much else going on. Just other Life stuff...lots of drama...lots of decision making.. lots of BS..haha 

Ok, now on to the fun part... 

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER SAY!

In no particular order of when I said them or to which child. 

"Dont LICK the car!!!"

"Dont LICK the TV!"

"Dont PEE on the dog!!"

"Dont LICK the walls!" (apparently there is a ALOT of licking going on in my house! haha)

"We do not PEE on our toys!"

Ohh Im upset with myself now.. I should have wrote them down..cause now Im drawing a complete blank :(

Well, at least you get some..

Anyways, so its Easter weekend, kids are out with their Nana and Poppee at an Easter Egg hunt. I am home because Im sick :( blargh. 

Hope everyone is enjoying Spring :)

~hoola hoops and Spring~

Kelly

Spring is coming!!

YAY!! Spring is almost here!! The weather has been fantastic lately.. I really want to spend as much time outside as possible..

 

Sky from the front yard.. 

Its like been close the 70's!! Perfect outside weather! Especially since I only have so much time I can stay outside until it gets too hot! I can not tolerate heat at all.. it basically just paralyzes me.

So we've done alot of work in the yard.. ok I so should not include WE in there..because i basically just stood there.. I kill pretty much anything I touch..so I just stood there and watched. 

B and J got to dig with spoons and plant flowers..they loved that. 

B decided that since the whole yard was being spruced up..that she would do this..

TOO Cute!! Dora sunglasses on a little bear wooden carving thing.. We know how to rock our yard!!! lol

Hmm..what else have we been up too..

OHHH... we went roller skating!

B with her rollerskates

I havent been on skates in like 15years.. I used to be pretty good. As teenagers, my friends and I would hang out at the skating rink every Friday night.. I could speed skate and everything!!

Well, I was little nervous..but I did it!! And actually with more practice it wouldnt take me long to get back to where I used to be at!! I didnt fall at all! I was soo proud of myself!  :)

Also, since spring is coming..we painted some bird houses!

J painting a rocket ship B is painting a castle

They are now outside waiting for some birdies to make their nesting homes!!! :) I will really be interested to see if birds nest in them.. esp the rocket ship..that will be one bad ass bird in the rocketship!! LOL

Anyways, another little glimpse into the life of haha mommydom.. never really a boring day.. and I should really keep up with this better!!

Spring, rollerskates and rocketships!

Kelly