Its been a long a time since Ive done this...there have been so many changes in my life.. To the point that I probably need to retitle this blog. As Im not technically a mother anymore. And there will be no more "Haha Mommy" moments.
It was the hardest decision Ive ever had to make in my life. But my kids are happy and have a stable life..and that is the most important thing to me. As Ive never had that growing up. As far as still being in their lives, they are better without me. I have way to much emotional baggage.. I love my kids, but Im not the mother that they need.
Im treading on a dark line right now.. I can feel it coming..but Im trying to push it away.. Im trying to push the clouds away. I guess thats why I came to this blog again. I need to get it all out somehow.
I have no words for what I feel right now. Its really hard to describe.
If I cant describe it, then why the hell am I writing.. I have no idea. I just felt the need.
The major problem, is that I really dont understand why the dark cloud has come. Im happy with my life. I miss my family, sure. I really do, but besides that..my life is good and I can not complain. Ive got a good job, great friends..an amazing boyfriend..but still..something just feels "off". Something is coming.. I can feel it.
But then on the flip side..am I bringing it upon myself by putting so much thought into the feeling? Am I trying to look to hard to find something that isnt right. Am I trying to set up myself..to make myself fail in whatever way possible?
I do take prescription depression medication, I went a few days without taking it.. I dont know if thats the reason.. it doesnt feel like it. Im not really depressed, just feel a little lost I guess.
Could be that Ive left myself wide open to someone.. and it scares the shit out of me.. and now Im self doubting that I should not have done it. Not in the way that I should NOT have these feelings..because the feelings are real.. I think I just need to learn to keep somethings to myself. I have no protection. And maybe Im trying to build a small wall again to have something protect me.
It scares me that for once, I have something so beautiful that I never thought that I would have. And Im afraid, so very afraid that its all going to be ripped away from me. Because of me. Because I can be too intense with my feelings..
None of this is really helping..just making my mind go even faster.. So I guess I should just end this here..
So, goodbye "HaHa Mommy" it was good, so very good while it lasted...
