Havent updated this in a long time. I know. Its horrible. A lot of things have gone on since my last blog. Some great, and some well, not so great. I wish that I had my pictures uploaded to show some of the great times that kids and I have had. Like camping for the first time. That was an experience. Thankfully my best friend took us as she knows basically all there is to know about camping. My kids and I loved it, and we plan on going again in the fall.
Im feeling a little, well I dont know how to describe it. Its not really sad, maybe thoughtful? I wish that I could write down everything in here. But Im afraid people would actually read it I suppose.
Ive been told lately that there is something behind my eyes. Like a great pain that I choose not to share. And my thoughts are, why share it? Its better locked away. I wish that I could lock it away to the point that I dont even know that its there.
As much as I hate it, I see the world differently now. I use to find the beauty, and I still can, but I know that it doesnt last. That really nothing last anymore. Which should make one more appreciative to have it at that time. But when you know that it will go away, its hard to keep it close. You start to push it away. Knowing that if you can keep it at arms length, the pain wont be as harsh when it does leave.
When I started this blog, I wanted it to be about the fun, happy times that the kids and I have. I stated that it wouldnt be a divorce or a man hater blog. I still stick with that. I dont hate all men. But I suppose I am bitter. And Im still angry. Its been almost a year since I took the kids and walked out the door. Im still finding it hard to not look back.
I consider myself damaged. Pieces of me gone forever. Yes, I still laugh, I still joke around. I still act really stupid at times just to make others laugh. On the outside I act as everything is fine. On the inside? Well, thats a whole other story.
Honestly, I dont know how to describe it. How do I put into words the feelings and thoughts that go through my head. The reasons behind far away looks that I get when I think no one is looking. How tired I actually am. Not the sleepy tired, the tired of not allowing myself to be who my emotions want me to be. I know that Im strong. I know everything that Ive learned this past year has only made me stronger. But damnit, I want some time where I dont have to be strong anymore. But that is not an option.
So many demands, my life is not mine. And I know that by being a mother, that is a given. And I wouldnt trade my children for anything in this world or out of it. But so many other people demanding things. Things that I have to find deep down inside of me. Demands that I sometimes think I cant fill. But what choice do I have? I have to fill them all, somehow, someway.
So, as the saying goes. "What doesnt kills us, makes us stronger" ... but how strong am I expected to be? Should really be the question. And for that, there is no answer..........
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